The Testicle Testimony

The following two posts are my Testicle Testimony. Part 1 was written in June 2020. Part 2 was written while in recovery after surgery.

The Testicle Testimony Part 1

For over two years I have had pain in my testicles and have been to different doctors and explained my situation over and over. Each time I have been unable to get the help I need.

To save myself time I have written the following story of what has happened and why I must get the surgery I need.

The pain began following a bike incident in which my testicles were crushed by the weight of my body on the seat of my bike.

I know from ultrasounds as well as from what I have felt with my hands that I have a varicocele and restricted blood flow in the cords attached to my testicles especially on the left side.

Because the nature of my condition is rare and also because of who I am and the life I want to live, the solution is very simple. I want my testicles removed.

However both medical "professionals" as well as ordinary people who know what I have been going through have repeatedly misunderstood my request and say the same old things to me trying to talk me out of my decision.

Some say that I should have surgery to remove the varicocele and remove the pain without removing the testicles. However this would most likely cost the same as an orchiectomy/castration and I want to only have surgery once. There is definitely a possibility of testicular cancer and having to have them removed anyway. And because of the lack of blood flow that I am experiencing currently, I have the risk of having a blood clot which could also be life threatening.

All this considered, removal of the testicles as well as removal of the cords attached to them would result in zero risk of cancer in the testicles and prevent blood from traveling entirely to that area so that it cannot become trapped, swollen, and heavy or clot to cause more serious blood flow to the rest of my body.

I am also aware that a lack of testicles means the impossibility of producing sperm and not being able to create children. People remind me of this because they mistakenly believe that I would even care about that or that I would have a chance at that anyway since I am not sexually attracted to people and my ethics forbid me from reproducing entirely.

I also know that without testicles it means a major drop in testosterone levels and permanent hormonal changes. However I am not concerned about this because I can see a doctor regularly about my hormones just to make sure I keep them in the healthy range I need.

It is also an advantage to have less testosterone because it means I will stop having erections that interfere with my job and dancing.

Aside from these changes that I desire, there are psychological benefits to having this operation. Because of the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, I become very angry and upset whenever I have pain in the testicles or the erection of the penis which is also quite painful because it reminds me of the penis that was forced into my butt at the age of two and the long term physical and emotional damage I have had to deal with as a result of that.

There is also the fact that I am transgender. Although I was born with a male body, I very much see my personality as more female than male and prefer being called by the name Chastity White Rose rather than my birth name Chandler Isaac Klebs. I also prefer to be called by female pronouns such as she/her. However this is a separate situation which is not necessarily tied to my other reasons for wanting to be castrated except for the fact that I have no desire to keep unwanted male parts that don’t match the identity I feel inside.

I met with a Urologist named Andrew Wright who told me he could perform the surgery if I had a psychological evaluation by a psychologist and a letter stating that I am of sound mind to consent to this operation and the permanent changes it would mean.

And I did have an evaluation by a psychologist I have previously met with and trust and he wrote a very detailed letter to Dr Wright explaining why I should have the surgery.

However Dr Wright went back on his word and told me that he did not think he had a valid medical reason to remove my testicles. He apparently did not think the fact that I was in pain and spent much time and money seeing doctors was enough of a reason. He stated that he could do it for transgender related reasons but only if I first take female hormones for six months and wait till March 2021 which was a year after receiving the letter from the psychologist in March 2020.

As you might expect, I did not take this news well. First, my pain was being ignored by a doctor who had the power to help me but refused and instead was basically asking me to prove that I am transgender enough to want my testicles removed by first taking female hormones. I felt lied to and cheated out of my time and money. I would not have had appointments with him if I knew he would go back on his word and create additional hoops I must jump through to please him before he helped me. He could have at least been kind enough to tell me over the phone that he was not going to do the surgery, but I see that he wanted to charge me for another visit to his office. I am quite angry about this greedy unhelpful behavior.

And although I should not have to explain this, I suspect that future medical people I see will ask me why I am not taking hormones. Therefore I will explain the various reasons.

1. Ethical

I first have to make sure that any hormones I take come from plant rather than animal sources. I do not want animals harmed in the process of anything I consume because I am an ethical Vegan and this takes top priority. There are hormones that are derived from plants as is mentioned in this link.

https://www.peta.org/about-peta/faq/my-doctor-wants-me-to-take-premarin-but-i-understand-its-made-from-horse-urine-is-this-true/

Hormones derived entirely from plant sources are completely ok but this is something that must be considered for anyone, transgender or not, who needs HRT without harming animals.

2. Health

I want to make sure that I do not cause myself unnecessary health problems by taking hormones that may have cancer risks and that also interacts badly with the testosterone I currently have while I still have the testicles. Therefore hormone replacement therapy is something I want to do carefully, with much research, and only after I will actually need it post surgery but not before surgery. Most importantly I need to maintain good bone density and muscular strength to work my job, but male levels of testosterone, which are sometimes ten times as high as the level females usually have is not required to maintain proper strength. I need only the same testosterone as a female and to keep up excercising, which is not a problem considering the physically active job I work and the fact that I walk and bike everywhere and carry my own groceries quite often. My strength is actually not male type of strength. I know this for a fact because of the fact that I have lower testosterone than many other men and also less muscle definition despite being able to lift objects much heavier than the average american male or female because most are not in good shape and also rely on their cars and do not walk or carry groceries as I have done for years.

3. Cost

Taking prescription hormones comes with a cost of more doctor visits as well as paying for the price of the hormones as well. I cannot make this financial commitment because I am saving my money to pay for my surgery, which I do not yet know the cost of because I do not have a doctor willing to do it nor give me an estimate and communicate with my insurance.

Therefore the cost of hormones, if I need them, is something I cannot decide until I know what I’ll have to pay for my surgery.

4. Time

It is very difficult to schedule medical appointments due to my busy work schedule and the fact that I do not have a car. Therefore I simply do not have the option of driving to appointments and still making it back to my workplace on time. This means that I have to use my vacation time and request time off and also arrange transportation by Uber, Lyft, or friends who can take me to my appointments. As such, I am extra angry at Andrew Wright for the time of mine he wasted. Spending money and time on hormone therapy just to please this doctor is not something I want to do.

I'd rather pay a doctor who actually cares about helping me. I do not want to spend money or time if I will not get the help I need and I am an adult who knows exactly what I want and am smart enough to work my job, pay my rent and bills, and also plan financially for the medical Care I need.

And I will continue to keep seeking medical help I need until someone does remove my testicles and I am allowed to get back to improving at my job, starting my dancing lessons again, and planning the rest of my life which has been on hold due to this ongoing testicle pain and fear of death due to the possibility of blood clots and/or cancer that results from my damaged testicles.

Until then, I will continue to update this text as long as I need to until someone helps me both to educate future doctors as well as mistaken people who have tried to talk me out of this surgery because apparently other people have an unhealthy interest in my testicles and want me to keep them either because they still think they can talk me into having sex and procreating.

And for those people I also have a book that I published specifically for them explaining all the reasons I am celibate and why I named myself Chastity White Rose.

https://smile.amazon.com/Vow-Chastity-Rose-ebook/dp/B0833S1NZT/

I am more committed to my Vegan Virgin lifestyle than the average Christian, Jew, Muslim, or Hindu cares about the teachings of their religion. Trying to talk me out of the way I want to live is actually quite insulting.

The Testicle Testimony Part 2

I had my orchiectomy after a long fight of trying finding a doctor willing to do it. After Andrew Wright refused to help me, the psychologist who had written my referral letter then referred me to Hospital Hill KC Urology clinic. It was there on 7-16-2020 that I met Dr. Hadley Wyre. He listened to my story and was willing to help me. We scheduled surgery for 9-17-20 and I was feeling pretty good. However it was during this time that the Covid-19 lockdowns and mask mandates were happening. My work performance suffered because I could not breath enough oxygen while required to wear a mask. I was afraid of getting fired because of this and was in a real panic mode for those two months before surgery that I would not be able to get the surgery done if I lost my job and health insurance, or if I tested positive for Covid and had to delay it.

It was good news that I had a doctor willing to help me but I often am very scared of things going wrong. However, if those things I feared had happened, you would not be reading this. I had my surgery and I am slowly recovering. I am very happy with the way I feel and although I have my financial concerns because of the work I am missing while on leave, I try to remember that I overcame the biggest obstacle I have experienced in my life. There is very little left to be afraid of.

And speaking of fear, I know that many fear death, but I do not. There are worse things than death. Living in constant pain as I was caused me to want to die. However I am glad I did not die then and that I still had time left to tell you my story. Many people are too afraid to talk about testicles and do not want to hear my testimony, but I will not stay silent when people like me are in pain and cannot receive the help they need. People should be able to get the surgeries they need for their body whether their reasons for doing the surgery are because of physical pain or emotional pain.

When a man has testicular cancer and has an orchiectomy, people feel sorry for him. When he is in pain either because they hurt or because he hurts emotionally because of sexual abuse memories or gender dysphoria, people expect him to snap out of it and just pretend to be OK and "man up". There is a deep sexism against men that most of them are too afraid to talk about, but I am not.

As I continue with my life, I plan to keep a watch for others who experience similar problems to what I did. Hopefully I can help someone else someday with my story.

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Why pro-life atheists are relevant

The direction of my life changed when I found out that there were many pro-life atheists out there. Looking back, I wonder why I assumed that there were none. Christopher Hitchens was the first I knew about but there are many others. With the power of the internet, I plan to learn all I can about what they are doing.

Finally theists and atheists found something that they can agree on! The reason I choose to write about pro-life atheism is because it is something that people are not as educated about. It was also a revelation to me that belief in supernatural invisible people in no way changes how someone feels about life.

There was a day when I first encountered the website: “http://www.numberofabortions.com/”. Faced with the information of just how bad it was, I could no longer stay silent about it. I would never forgive myself if I did. On that day I decided that there was no possibility of changing this problem by debate, prayer, or protest. People have already done those things for years and yet it has not stopped over one billion babies from being killed. That is not even counting the illegal uncounted abortions. Few people are honest enough with themselves to admit that this is a problem which affects them and that will not go away by ignoring it.

Most of the people in the pro-life movement have been Christians who have damaged their own efforts by teaching that those who do not belief in their God or Jesus in the correct way are going to burn in an eternal fire called hell.

The idea that somehow believing a certain religious doctrine determines an afterlife is offensive to all who had not chance to even hear of it. Think of all those who have died before birth in an abortion or miscarriage. Because of the irrationality of such a claim, I have decided that I place higher value on action than belief. I also can not even think of a way that an afterlife is possible or something that I want. I don't want myself or anyone else to be tortured after death anymore than I want them tortured in this life.

I have meditated on the meaning of my life and have decided that my life is an awkward stage between conception and death. I do not take it as seriously anymore now that I know I will not get out of it alive.

I desire that theist pro-lifers unite with the atheist pro-lifers instead of fighting about the existence of a God or gods. I got bored with such irrelevant debates. No longer can humanity afford to waste time and money on such things.

My opinion is that pro-life atheists are relevant to me in my personal fight against abortion because they often are more honest and have learned more about science and history than other people allow themselves to.

Becoming an atheist, agnostic, or deist will not change their opinion on abortion. I learned this when I accidentally became a pro-life atheist. If the other pro-life atheists all “come out of the closet”, the world will see a change.

Here are some links to things other pro-life atheists have written.

http://www.fnsa.org/fall98/reed.html

http://www.patheos.com/blogs/friendlyatheist/2014/03/11/yes-there-are-pro-life-atheists-out-there-heres-why-im-one-of-them/

http://www.lifenews.com/2012/02/28/confessions-of-a-pro-life-atheist-why-i-fight-abortion/

Why pro-choice Christians are irrelevant

For a long time, the majority of those who claim to be Christian have also called themselves pro-life, but recently, more of them identify as pro-choice. What has happened? Is being pro-life or pro-choice the correct position for Christians?

What standard are Christians going by? Some say they are going by the bible, then they are picking the verses they like and ignoring other verses that disagree with them. Basically, they are pro-choice about their bible, which means they can pick verses which support a pro-life position about abortion, but that they can also find verses to support a pro-death position just as easily.

Many Christians have heard “Thou shalt not kill.” because it is mentioned in the bible six times.

Exodus 20:13

Deuteronomy 5:17

Matthew 5:21

Matthew 19:18

Romans 13:9

James 2:11

Sometimes it may say either “kill” or “murder” depending on your translation, but they are the same thing. Anyone who kills someone intentionally has either not read or has completely ignored the commandment not to kill. The problem with the bible is that it tells us that even God kills people when he feels like it. When people kill someone, they only need to say that God told them to do it.

When thinking about the murder in the bible, I think first of all the animal sacrifices. If you aren't aware of the animal sacrifices, start reading Leviticus. I think the idea of animal sacrifices explains why sheep, goats, and cattle don't like Judaism or Christianity.

But people ignored all that because they believe that humans are the superior creation of a God that has given all humans permission to kill other animals when they want to. Since I see other animals as being equal to humans, I disagree.

But to those who think that human life is special and should not be killed, what do they do with the biblical God who kills humans when he feels like it? What about the flood of Genesis 6? What about the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah in Genesis 19? What about the plagues God sent on Egypt in Exodus 9?

Even if you say that God had to punish people for being evil, wicked or sinful, you have to explain the death of the innocent too. There is no way that every single animal deserved to die. Aside from that, without a solid moral standard, there is no way for anyone, not even God, to decide who is evil enough to be killed.

Now that I have learned enough to understand that the bible is not a standard of morality, I see how Christianity has accepted relativism. To most of the Christians, it doesn't matter what you say, what you believe, or who you kill. Whatever happens must have been God's will.

I don't claim to believe the bible, but the “Thou shalt not kill.” commandment is one that I happen to agree with. If people had obeyed that rule, Jesus never would have been killed.

When people say that the crucifixion of Jesus, or the sacrifice of animals were good things, then I know that they are not pro-life. The reason I fear them is not because they call themselves Christian, but because if they heard the voice of God telling them to kill Chandler Isaac Klebs, they would do it without hesitation.

The flip side is, people who spend their time and money doing what they can to protect life are not part of Christianity. I want to support pro-lifers no matter what religion they claim to be part of. It is the actions of these people that shows what they really believe.

I want to inspire people to think before they say things like “Abortion is a gift from God.” or “Abortion is God's will.”. I see this as a problem for theists and atheists alike. If there is a God, then he, she, or it must show up and respond to these claims.

The world has become very confused about basic things such as life and death. If you don't believe me, just try listening to abortion debates. Also here are some links to show what is happening.

http://www.lifenews.com/2014/03/28/university-sponsored-display-claims-abortion-is-a-gift-from-god/

http://mychal-massie.com/premium/obama-thinks-abortion-is-gods-will/

http://www.lifenews.com/2014/04/09/united-methodist-church-group-sends-money-to-planned-parenthood-abortion-business/

http://www.evilbible.com/god%27s%20not%20pro-life.htm

http://www.lifenews.com/2014/04/23/woman-thanks-god-for-her-abortion-because-she-wanted-to-fit-into-her-skinny-jeans/

Why fighting abortion is relevant

It is very relevant that I explain my pro-life position and my own personal fight against abortion. I have already written about why abortion laws are irrelevant. This does not mean I am ending my fight against abortion. I am just getting started.

The fact that I am very pro-life or anti-abortion is so relevant to me that it had an influence on my rejection of religion. Religions often consider sex to be a sin. Since sex causes babies to be conceived, people have a motivation to hide the evidence that they did sex. By terminating the pregnancy in whatever way, this is possible to do.

But that is not the only way that religion promotes abortion. Religion can also come up with ideas such as abstinence-only sex education. If people think that they can just tell other people not to do sex and expect it to have any effect, then they obviously have failed to notice that telling someone not to do something often has the opposite effect of what they intended.

Maybe the religious people had the idea of preventing pregnancy to begin with. It would make sense that babies who have not been conceived can not be killed. However, if this is the case, then why do they spend their time picking on the homosexuals? After all, they are certainly not a contributor to pregnancy.

The abortion issue is probably one of the most relevant topics that I could possibly write about. The trouble is communicating that my pro-life status is irrelevant to any religious beliefs I have, or lack thereof.

I think about what it is like to be an unborn baby:

I feel safe, I know nothing about the world I will soon enter. And then, suddenly, something hurts me. I am not given a reason for this. I do not know who it is that is hurting me. I do not matter. I am not wanted, needed, loved, significant, important, connected, attached, belonging, or relevant.

That is what I feel. This feeling of being something to throw away. I know this feeling. I can relate to the unborn child. I can understand. I can connect. I am RELEVANT!

And now, I must speak for those who can not speak for themselves. Rather than waste time trying to make abortion illegal, I want to prevent the motives behind what causes it. I know that religion is only one of the reasons, but I consider it a source of the kind of irrational thinking that leads people to do things that they would not think of otherwise.

When I find out that someone has no trouble killing a baby, then I know that they also have no problem with killing me. The only difference between me and an unborn baby is that I learned I was not wanted by most of society after birth.

I am aware that the abortion problem is a very complex issue. I know that even those who have made the decisions to abort their children may not have wanted to. The solution is not as simple as telling people to stop killing babies. Effort must be made so that men are made to take some responsibility for the children that they helped produce. The financial problems and social expectations of other people certainly have an influence. But in the end, there is no excuse for killing a baby as if it was somehow responsible for the problems present in the world.

The arguments for abortion as well as those against it are entirely irrelevant to the case. What difference does it make whether the child was conceived through rape or not? What difference does it make whether or not you have a book that says “Thou shalt not kill.” ? What difference does it make whether you call something tissue, an embryo, or fetus? What difference does the legality of abortion make?

I don't like the term “pro-choice”. It implies that someone has a choice in the matter. Most of the time, neither the pregnant woman nor the baby inside her is given a choice.

I am not part of any political movement to make abortion illegal. Nor do I wish to be. I see the abortion problem as part of a bigger problem. This is about murder. I think that religion and politics only add to this problem.